“Saying no to small things means saying yes to big things.”
― Amit Kalantr

Hi Kathleen

Last week I delivered my first ‘Moving Forward Fearlessly’ virtual workshop and it went really well!

During the workshop, I introduced the 4 Pillars of my Time to Believe™ Coaching Program and shared tips for practicing each pillar.

What fascinated me in particular was the discussion we had about boundaries and how it can be tricky - if not challenging - to set and maintain them. That led to an even more interesting chat about ’saying no’ - with different people’s perspectives on that. I think we all said it can be hard to do without feeling guilty!! Funny that!! 🙃

In this newsletter I am going to focus on Pillar 3: Communicate Clearly - Boundaries Create Freedom for Relationships that Matter!

In particular, I’m going to look at what makes it hard for some of us to say no. That only makes sense to people who find the ’no’ difficult, who feel under pressure to do what others want- and who feel guilty with the thought of not agreeing to a friend or family members request. Maybe that never was you - or it used to be and you’ve become firmer in doing what’s right for you - if so wonderful! Be patient with the rest of us that still struggle a bit with this.

And lastly, I want to let you know that I will be speaking at a virtual conference for women entrepreneurs on 12th April: Burnout Busters: Three Powerful Techniques for Building Resilience! Get the details and a 20% discount below!

All the best,

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Pillar 3: Communicate Clearly - Saying NO can make room for a YES!!

I always think it’s important to know the why behind our behaviour before we make the positive changes we want, so here are...

3 Reasons Why YES May Be Your Default Response

1. You don’t want to let people down!

How many times does that go through your head just before that YES pops out??! And why do we feel that way? A sense of responsibility towards others is good, but for many of us that can be in overdrive and it takes a toll!

And just how are we ‘letting them down'’??

If you say YES and then avoid or put off the agreed task, you will, ultimately, let them down! How is that better than an honest NO? This, at least, lets the person make different plans to get the task done. Isn’t that so much better?

And YOU have saved yourself from working under pressure and/or with resentment! Maybe it’s time to not let ourselves down! What a change that might me!

2. You’re a ‘natural’ pleaser.

In his book Positive Intelligence®, Shirzad Chamine describes the characteristics of the Pleaser Saboteur: “Has a strong need to be liked and attempts to earn it by helping, pleasing, rescuing or flattering other people”.

There are also many positive qualities (Sage) associated with being a Pleaser including compassion, empathy and generosity. But when stressed, pleasing goes into overdrive, everyone else is placed first and you and your needs/wants end up at the back of the line! Not surprisingly, the Pleaser's boundaries can be very difficult to maintain.

3. You don’t want to be seen as a ‘difficult’ person or difficult to get along with.

This connects with the Pleaser Saboteur described above who assumes people interpret saying NO as being difficult. "Being difficult" is right up there with "being uncooperative" which is also a ‘bad’ thing! So, again, you end up saying YES when you really mean NO!

Very often we make assumptions about other people - and ourselves! Here are a few to consider – and have a gentle, kind laugh about if they are familiar!

- Believing that if I say no, you’ll be upset or won’t like me.
- Thinking that your time is more valuable than mine.
- Thinking (in an odd way) that everything is about me.

5 Clear Signs That You Need to Say No!

1. If you feel uncomfortable.

2. You feel guilty or obligated.

3. When you’re overloaded.

4. If the request crosses your personal boundaries.

5. If you are only saying yes to please someone else.

So, the next time you open your mouth to say YES... take a breath and decide if that is REALLY what you want to say!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic and/or have a chat to talk about changes you may want to make. Feel free to say YES to booking a time for a 30-minute complimentary call. It’s amazing what clarity can emerge in just 30 minutes!